I was listening to some Samba some days ago, and this song by João Gilberto called “Discussão” really stood out to me:
"I've already noticed the confusion
You want to see prevail
Opinion over reason
It can't be, it can't be
Why exchange yes for no
If the result is loneliness
Instead of love, a longing
Will tell who is right”
The need to feel right, over being right, is where most interpersonal conflict comes from.
Let’s dive in:
1. Why do we need to feel right all the time?
EGO.
Your EGO hates to be wrong, and even more if it’s another person who is telling you that you are wrong.
If I ask you if you want to know what is actually true, you will most likely tell me “Yes”.
However, the problem is that we confuse the feeling of being right with actually being right.
People that believe that the world is flat, feel right indeed, but it doesn’t mean they are actually correct.
Now, let me ask you:
How much further would you go in life if you managed to stop trying to feel right and get to the real truth of things? What about your relationships?
2. The Relationship Killer
Entire marriages get taken apart by this need to feel right.
That’s what João Gilberto was talking about in “Discussão”… is it really worth it?
Is it worth it to create confrontation and try to feel right when you forget to take out the trash or whatever it may be?
It might feel bad at the moment. Your EGO won’t like it.
But wouldn’t your relationships be better if you managed to separate feeling right from being right, being ok when someone tells you that you are wrong?
It’s easier said than done. The EGO will trick you into believing that it doesn’t matter what is actually true, but if you are feeling right.
It’s not about avoiding conflict. Conflict is important and unavoidable.
It’s about managing conflict from different lenses, from competitive to collaborative, from defensive to constructive, from person-oriented to problem-oriented.
Bringing it home
Feeling right and being right are not the same thing: The EGO often prefers to feel right over actually being right and learning what is true.
Most of the time, it’s not worth it to win an argument and “feel right” —it might feel good at the moment, but you are slowly killing the relationship.
Choose one insight from today and take action on it.
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